can life get better than this?

2006-04-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

So, I know, as an actor, I'm never supposed to admit when things get just plain poopy. I should be saying, "What?? Me down?? NEVER! I just keep plowing through with a smile on my face and a can-do attitude!". Buuuuut....this has been a crappy couple of weeks.
As I've said, this blogging thing is new to me and, as tempted as I am to write about all my dirty laundry, it's very difficult to put it all out there. I picture myself naked in a room full of people and, as even as I clutch my hands to my bosom and privates to desperately spare my dignity, they can still see EVERYTHING! Let's just take a minute with that visual, shall we? hmm, hmm, hmm, la di da di da.....
OK...done with that. Well, in a nutshell, my stepdaughter is chronically ill. She has a disease called Cystic Fibrosis. How can I describe my stepdaughter....she's the smartest, most talented, clever, beautiful girl I know. She's 12 now, but will be 13 soon. As you've noticed, I said "stepdaughter". Yes, that means that I'm the evil stepmother. Or, at least, I certainly could be. I've had a stepmother and I would politely describe her as, "the spawn of satan" or "that woman who almost destroyed my father" and lovely things like that (thankfully, she's out of the picture now...I wish I could say I was responsible because I devised some tricky plan ala Disney movie, but...no). But, from the beginning Lizzie (my stepdaughter), has made this nothing short of wonderful. She COULD have been a little creep. She COULD have said things like, "Shut up! You're not my mother and you never will be!" (insert slamming of door here). But, instead she made me feel like a great lady, an amazing woman, and even...a role model. She is the reason I married her father. We immediately hit it off when we met. She was 8 years old and I met her at a party. We found an empty room to sit together and talk, mostly about our favorite cartoons and the importance of Scooby Doo. I was already interested in her father, but now, I saw this girl he was responsible for raising and I saw what an amazing person HE truly was. I also saw him through her eyes....she was (and is) madly in love with him. That is addictive.
So, I married him and became a stepmom. Now, don't get me wrong, it's had it's difficulties. But, most of those problems were my problems, not hers. They were my issues with being a responsible grown-up and a pseudo parent and I didn't want to grow up. I keep waiting for her to rebel. Come on, she's almost a teenager. Isn't that when she should REALLY shut me out? But, she doesn't. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, it doesn't. I am so fortunate.
So, that all being said, I'm heartbroken. She's had this disease as long as I've known her, but she's never made it an issue. She does her 4 treatments a day. She has to take meds through a tube in her stomach and do a feeding as she sleeps at night and she NEVER makes it an issue or problem or a cause for sympathy. She's my hero (and I know she's my husband's hero). She's in the hospital now. This is normal for her, she goes about once a year for a "tuneup" as she calls it. But, this time she's had problems. Her lungs are swollen and she's having trouble breathing. For the first time, she's admitted that she's scared.
I have to believe she'll be OK. I sit in her room and think, "she has to come back here soon, she has to". My husband is beside himself. I don't want him to know how it's affecting me because he needs me to be the strong one...and I will for him. But, I don't ever want to live my life without her. I don't want to even picture it. So, I cry alot alone.
That's kindof what's going on right now. I'm trying to push through and do the daily stuff, but to do that, I have to pretend everything will be OK. Here's hoping that I'm right. I really need to be.

this is my first post

2006-04-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

just so you know....this is my first post. I'm new to this crap, but I hope to make the best crap that I can. You can count on that.

bite me bits

can life get better than this?

this is my first post